Looking for a good wrench...

Something is wrong with me. I no longer seem able to reconcile every aspect of my tidy and organized life. Somewhere, somehow, someone or something has sabotaged the simple order of my world. I'm not sure exactly when I first noticed it but things aren't working the way they're supposed to anymore. The many pieces of my life no longer fit together as perfectly as they once did. Like an old clockwork, some of my favorite excuses are worn and missing teeth. New components I thought could replace old or missing ones don't fit quite as they should and the idea of adding new machinations to the delicate balance of my routine fill me with dread. For someone who's prided himself on a deep self understanding, these latest malfunctions are quite alarming—there has to be a clearly defined point of corruption.

Perhaps it's my relationships? We all know that getting married can change things. Maybe I married prematurely? What if I married the wrong person? Is there such a thing as the right person? I suppose I could get caught up in this loop for a while but I fear it is nothing but a wild goose chase. You see, the order of my world was beginning to show signs of decay long before I met my wife. In fact, thinking on it more now, I believe that it was my marriage (a new, more powerful and complex mechanism designed to replace my bachelor systems) that made it possible to support the children peripherals I'd always wanted. Some may argue that my core systems were not designed to support the family component—the additional load forcing me to route energy to either the original or the new family system but not both at the same time. To be honest, I think there was quite a lot of energy wasted before starting up my family. The amount of effort used now is much more focused and efficient. My life hasn't changed. Instead of fewer and older cogs and gears, I have newer more efficient systems in place to help me continue doing things my way.

I think that the malfunctions are being caused by an external force acting on the system. Could it be that I'm simply not investing enough time maintaining my routines? Is the very attempt to try and run a machine (which has changed over the years) as if no modifications were made causing these breakdowns? Perhaps it is simply time aging and wearing on things? What if there is no malfunction at all but simply my inability to accept that my life has changed? That would explain a lot of things. I suppose I'm not a 12-year-old boy any more. If I could allow myself to see that there's more to each day than video games and comic books...

No. That's not it at all.

Somewhere, there's a saboteur missing a good wrench.

Comments